Ex Jealousy

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Denver: The Populist
This post has been a long time coming. I want to say any of my ex or break up stories are like 2-3 years old. I'd never post about anything recent and certainly not without their permission.

That is called a lawsuit.

After getting permission from the 3 main character of this story, I wanted to write about my own experience on jealousy of an ex - especially with the influx of conversations I have had with people ranging from fresh break ups to still healing from years out, I feel you y'all.


When I was jealous of my ex.

All the things we already know such as social media being a battle both in and out of a relationship, (wrote on social media and happiness in 2014 HERE) it's a miracle we have any functioning and trusting relationships.

Being jealous of my ex, really stemmed from the question, wasn't he supposed to be suffering like me?! That loser.

A few months after our break up, he was already dating around...including a former client of mine from pageantry. I found out from where? None other than social media, on snapchat.

To bruise my ego even more, he had gone to the Rosebowl game and watched my friend clench the title, Coachella, Vegas, Hawaii, Europe (A trip I planned for the two of us originally), The Superbowl (our friend won that year, but because I had a panic attack thinking of spending an entire day with him and his new girlfriend, I didn't go, although I had a free ticket...), job promotion, and to top it off he was also recruited for MTV's The Real World...(he later declined although being a reality TV star is in his wheelhouse, sorry Z, you know this to be true).

I was so outrageously jealous, it hurt.

His life seemed so perfect...

Doing the 'right' things. Seeing the 'right' people. Making a *#$ ton of money.

And as for me? At that time, all I had to show for was a string of failed rebound relationships. I even hurt someone I consider the one that got away (my home team agrees). I was miserable in my job, and struggling as a whole person...spiritually, financially, physically, I even looked haggard and sad.

Let's be honest, we all joke about winning the break up...but it's a real feeling and I felt I was losing, and that I should beg for the mercy rule.

And then one night, I learned one of our friend's passed away.

Suddenly our ego's and who was "winning" the break up, didn't really matter.

Being there for our friends, our dozens of mutual friends, was a bigger deal....and from that year we spent time in the same birthdays, engagement parties, gatherings, flying back to Denver for our friend's memorial dinners, and the like.

Even though it was difficult to share some of the same spaces and friends, we did find what works for us...and gave us space to still show up for our people while not getting caught in our own break up drama.

One night, we were in Colorado, in this hotel for our friend's memorial, our mutual friend brought up that I seemed jealous of Z's life...and I admitted I was...and in response he said, all those experiences he has are awesome, but you know what else is awesome?

...That your Mom is beating cancer (she was diagnosed 2 mos prior). That you have a healthy baby nephew. That your brother found a person he loves and never thought he'd meet. That you have a lot of people who love you for more than what you can do for them. You have deep friendships that are like family. You took time to grieve and grow. And he took his time to party and rage. You took your time figuring out what's next and what is. He took his time to avoid dealing with his emotions.

...and then for the tough love, he said,
your ex's life isn't any of your business. None of it is your business from how much fun he is having to how much he isn't visibly grieving to how amazing his new girlfriend is. It's none of your business because he isn't actually part of your life, he exists in it only because you let him....
Ouch. Hard to hear. Hard to feel, but it was the jump start I needed to cut off communication. To cut off mutual friends that weren't really mutual. To stop investing my energy into a person that existed in my life, but wasn't part of it.

That's when the jealously started to decrease. When I let the dead things officially die off, the new part of my life started to re-open to new experiences and people. I had a capacity that could freely attach itself to whatever was meant to occupy that space. Silly things like, I actually did like folk music, beer gardens, trivia, my annoying hipster friends, and other things that I hadn't considered if it weren't for a new found space that had let dead things linger.

And now? I'd say we are both winning at our own lives. Apart. Not in constant communication or much at all. No social media stalking. Just two people genuinely happy for the other person in all of our big milestones. Two people who are grateful for some very funny memories that led us to today.

If you're finding yourself jealous of your ex, I hope you take my friend's tough love and encouragement. Maybe his advice isn't for today, maybe it's for later, maybe it was for 2 mos ago.

Much love, this one is a tough one. You got this. We (your community) got you.

You're invited

Thursday, September 14, 2017

I used to go on adventures by myself. But then I got assaulted and I barely would go to Target by myself.

I’ve come a long ways in 3 years. I used to pride myself on being able be my own best company. I’d invite myself to adventures. Waited for no one. Never wished my life away. Lately, I don’t even remember the last time I did something alone or was alone. I don’t remember the last time I invited myself to be my own best company.

So, on Saturday, I woke up, and invited myself on a road trip north. No destination. No time limit. Drove until I found something interesting to look at.

I drove north on Pacific Coast HWY 1 through the magical fog and the small coastal towns that hug California’s rugged and beautiful coastline.

I ended up stopping in Olema, CA at this little lodge near a stream with lots of outdoor chairs and logs to read and write. I spent time just listening to silence and in nature. 

I couldn’t believe it’s been 3 years since I’d taken a spontaneous self-adventure with no agenda…

Living life in the city is exciting. In October I have back to back concerts. In the last month, in August it seemed to be back to back reunions and parties. I love all the lights, the busy energy, and the eclectic people that reside in San Francisco.

But as someone who is also part country - I also need rural. I need a place that is simple, with narrow roads, gravel paths, no cell service. Nature that is limited or barely touched by any person. A place that grounds me, slows me down, and brings life and my living back to the center.

Just nature and God, which in so many ways I’ve felt are the same thing anymore.

My life although fun and liberating, has also lacked self-rituals and consistency. I’ve spent the last 1.5 years building mostly horizontal, which has been rich and full of exploring, but I haven’t spent much time building vertically.

So, stay tuned, you’re definitely invited. 

Photos from my time in Olema, CA:

I'm a fraud

Friday, September 8, 2017


A few, a lot, MANY of my family and friends called me out on my no dating 2017 rule.

Hey, I was doing great up until May. 5 mos sober of dating...

I didn't even make it half the year. I'm laughing out loud because...well I wanted to call myself out since I posted on my blog I wasn't going to date in 2017.

In fact this Summer I said, I just want to flirt, talk, and just you know have a fun Summer.

Now even more funny, I was boo'ed up from Memorial to Labor Day. The official kick off and send off's of Summer.


I roll my eyes at people who say, "When you're not looking, that's when you'll find someone!"...

And I was doing that maybe a little too well for 5 mos. Dodging anyone that wanted to slow down and form a relationship...I would actually say EW out loud.

Literally the last thing I wanted.

Here comes Summer and I was in one of the most healthy relationships I've had since I can remember.

So. Letting folks know I'm a fraud.

Guess I can make all the predictions I want and life will show up the way it wants to.

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