I was very young when I first heard the word ‘alcoholic.’  When my parents decided to have children, they also had the very serious discussion of whether or not to include their children in their recovery meetings.  They ultimately realized that it would be in our best interest, long-term, to expose us to the not-so-pretty-bits of human life, because they wanted us to learn empathy. 

“What is an alcoholic?” I remember asking my mom.  She was a social worker and an educator, and she understood the importance of answering a child’s question about a sensitive topic. 

“An alcoholic is a person who has a disease of the feelings.”  She went on to clarify that they were empathetic people who had never been taught to intrinsically self-soothe or to set boundaries.  Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, these people transformed from people dependent on a substance to heroes who had learned to alter their habits by helping their fellows.  I continued to go to meetings with my mom until I was in third grade. 

Taking care of a family when you’re in fourth grade is no easy feat, but I assumed my role as my mom’s caretaker, my dad’s business organizer and helper, and my sister’s stand-in mother.  When I left that household at the age of 18, I had only known alcohol as a destructive force that made messes of peoples’ lives and robbed them of their mental sanity… and anyone, myself included, would be smart to stay away.  This worked for a bit with the help of being a Resident Assistant, where role modeling correct behavior permitted me a valid excuse to not go too HAM at parties, although, I’ll admit, there were two nights where I voided that rule. 

I allowed myself to experience my first drunk 9 days before my 21^st birthday.  But there were still things to do, people to take care of, and people to impress.  In 2013, I graduated with a B.A. in Psychology (I see you fellow first generation college students), my sister was supporting herself and being a successful bada** at Sonoma State University, and I no longer had 60+ residents.  Yeah, why not afford myself some experimentation?  I fell into a deep, self-medicating, and harrowing depression.  At that time, I fueled my troubles and withdrew from people.  I remember very clearly one night drinking a whole bottle of champagne by myself in my tiny, San Francisco room and convincing my roommate to drive me all the way to Santa Rosa to see my sister.  Sitting on the swings in the rain with my best friend (extremely drunk) at 3:00am, while my roommate was in my sister’s house doing homework and awaiting our leave, I knew I was an alcoholic. 

“Do you think I’m an alcoholic?” I asked her.

“That’s for you to decide,” She replied.

It took me up until July 2, 2017 to walk myself to a meeting, where I am celebrated for being a wreck and am loved up by fellow women who share an identity with me.  They loved me until I could love myself (corny and cliché as hell, I know). 

Where I’m at today because I place my recovery first: I attend at least three meetings a week; they are my first priority and I cherish them.  Today is my six-month birthday.  It is not my first birthday in sobriety, but it is the birthday I am claiming today.  I have gained a higher power of my own understanding, as well as a community of people who, like myself, alter their habits by helping their fellows.  I have learned humility, forgiveness, and acceptance.  For anyone trying to find the courage to go to battle with one of your addictions… you’ve got this.  You are loved; you deserve healing; and your recovery matters. 

You might be sitting there thinking, heck no, Katie, I’ve done a lot of shitty things… nothing is going to absolve me now, but as someone once said to me, “No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.”

Katie Koho

Email: katiekoho@gmail.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/katiekoho

Instagram: @KatieKoho

You can read what I claimed 2017 to be back in January, and here is what it actually was...More or less I stuck with my 2017 theme. I used my year to invest in relationships, projects, and things I already had.

It was a year of reunions, sacred traditions, and internally focused. 2017 was about staying, rooted, rituals, and the adventure of consistency and steadiness. It was the year I needed; stay with me for my 2017 highlight reel...

Jayme Alexis LLC: After working for a talent agency for 10 years, my mentors encouraged me to do my own thing. To not work based off commission and to go referral only. It's been a bumpy road, but I have made fewer, but stronger connections in my side hustle that I hope one day could be a full-time hustle.

Former client's Spring 2017 collection that was headed for NY Fashion Week

Miss Covina: 5 years with this program as a committee member, coming back to volunteer as Judges Chair felt like coming back to see family! Miss Covina is a preliminary pageant for Miss California.

Miss Covina 2017 court

28th B-day: Smorgus board of people. It felt like a Monterey Bay and Bay area reunion for all the parts of my life - work, church, pageantry, and the random people I dated (ha).

Canvas Small Group Crew

When your first set of students become your real friends...scary I know...

Family visits: My mom and 2 cousins came to visit San Francisco. I LOVE when my family can experience this city I call home!

Lands end with my forced best friends (cousins)

My wonderful Momma who has now been 1.5 years cancer free!

10 year High School reunion: Most people wouldn't be excited. But I genuinely liked most of the people I went to school with. The 4th of July is when everyone comes home to celebrate America's birthday and that is exactly what we did. We rode in our town parade, watched fireworks, and went to many rodeos. Two of my home team members (One from college, one from pageantry) also came to visit me during the 4th and it was the first time in years where half my home team was in one spot!

Class of 2007

Half my home team at the 4th of July Rodeo! Katie (College), Becky (Pageants), Caitlin (High School)

1 year at SFSU: I made it past 1 year at SFSU. I have been VERY fortunate to call my colleagues my friends as well and people I rely on and adore. I also am bias, but I have enjoyed working with SFSU students - they are fierce, much smarter than I ever was in college, and super extra and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Fall Training 2017!

Night out on the town. PC: J. Gomez

2017-2018 Tower Patch Kids

2016-2017 Area Coordinator Squad!

2016-2017 Tower Rangers

American Pageant Nationals: I have been affiliated with Miss Teen of America and its sister programs since 1998, but it was a full circle to become keynote and Judges Chair for this year's national program in Orlando. I also got to see my friend Cara Mund, current Miss America!

Miss America - Cara Mund

Judging Panel for American Pageants

2018 American Pageant National Titleholders

San Francisco night life:...I'd be lying if I didn't mention this year was wild...and one day when I'm 50 and can actually publicly speak about all the things that went down...I'll post it. It will make my future children very uncomfortable and I cannot wait. But to put it tamely, I enjoyed all the nights out partying in San Francisco this year that led to some....laugh until I cry stories...and also stories I cringe when I hear them being told by my friends.

Hip Hop Party August 2017

Village/Towers Reunion

Love life: Shout out to all the guys who loved me this year...and who spent time with me...and who they let me into their lives too...their families homes and let me make real connections with their closest friends. It takes courage to date in this day and age and share your life. To the ones I am genuinely friends with - cheers to finding what we want and need. 2017 brought some good humans into my world...and some not so good ones...and that's okay, I didn't know my heart could bounce back and be such a bad @$$.