Most of my closest friends know I'm a journal nerd. I love writing, sharing my narrative with my notebook and some times here on this blog. As I've been married, blogging publicly isn't something I do as often, I have another person to consider.

But each time I went to write about Cruz I just had no energy. Unlike with Esme, writing is what got me through that experience, but with Cruz, I didn't really want to talk to anyone, write anything, or mention shit to nobody because it was too painful. The only way I could talk about Cruz was matter of fact because some folks just don't really understand what a miscarriage is or that yes, as women we have to go out into our regular worlds and "soldier" on pretending like we aren't bleeding out, having seismic pain in our physical bodies or hearts as we carry on tasks that seem pretty meaningless in that moment.

I also had no idea how difficult it was to get pregnant. I had never heard of fertility concerns growing up. All I ever heard was you have sex, you get pregnant. Decades later, so many of us wanting to be Mothers and fertility not giving a damn. Most of my friends I know went through IUI or IVF. Very few friends got pregnant naturally after 28 from my knowledge, and I had no idea that this was even a world that existed until the last few years.

Truthfully, we weren't expecting Esme, but we were hoping for Cruz. This love story is short lived on earth, but it is still a love story I want to share.

Back in March, I was super nauseous, smells made me sick, I was constipated (TMI), couldn't stop running to the bathroom, and when Aaron's family came to visit...I felt like I was going to pass out every morning. My period was a week late, but I didn't want to get too excited.

Once we settled back in, I took the test...and to much of my surprise it said PREGNANT. I had never seen those words on any of our First Response or the Digital Blue responses [other than false ones with ectopics]. So, I started bawling and Aaron and I just sat there....We've been waiting for this for so long, to feel like we were in grasp of having our dreams come true, we were disbelief, I mean, we were FINALLY pregnant!

I was paranoid, re-took the test and got 2 negatives...I immediately scheduled a Doctor's appointment and my numbers were not where they projected them to be...and 2 appointments later my numbers that should have been doubling, were coming back down to the 400-500 range. I was notified that I was for sure having a miscarriage. Originally thinking I was 7 weeks along, but learned it was actually 11 weeks old. I was 1 week short of my completing my 1st trimester. 

All I could think of was,"did my body fail me" "what am I doing wrong" "am I not meant to be a Mother" ... It's devastating, these thoughts are much harder to forgive than any thoughts I've ever had about myself. Anyone that's lost a baby no matter at what stage, if you were hoping/planning for one, it's devastating, and no matter how many positive things people try to say, I personally didn't want to hear "It wasn't meant to be" - Well THANK YOU you REALLY made a point there...insert eye roll..

I mean, to actually FEEL pregnant, seeing PREGNANT on the test and seeing my numbers reach "pregnancy" TCG level...To know I was carrying Cruz with me when we were in SoCal in February when we went to visit Aaron's family. To think I was carrying Cruz during my birthday as Aaron and I were throwing axes, and Cherie and I were eating pizza at our favorite place in Redmond. It left me pretty hopeless, I'm not sure I crawled out of bed that week, but it's still a love story I cherish even if we can't live it out the rest of our days on earth.

I turned 32 in March. I always thought like many people my life would look different. For me, I thought I'd be a Mom by 32. I thought I'd be a Mom to a Kindergartener at this point and that's ok it didn't happen in that order, my life has turned out better than I ever expected. But it doesn't change the fact that in my heart, I very much yearn to be a Mom.

I know our baby is in a better space. I'm sure Esme, my many nieces/nephews of my cousins, sister in law and friends are all with Cruz. I know my grandparents are playing with our babies. I know wherever they are, they're in a more peaceful place, and I'm not an earthly parent, but to know our baby is protected for life is a calming feeling.

Momma's to be, Momma's who are still trying, Momma's who want more babies, Momma's who have angel babies....Your story is important...I hope you share. Getting me through these really dark and awful spaces were your stories. You sharing your beautiful names of your angel babies. Your texts. Your voice texts. Sending me videos of puppies. Telling me how you got through it. Letting me know that my body is capable of incredible things and claiming earthly motherhood into my life - I love you, and I hope that you share your story. I know it's certainly why this entry left my physical journal and onto my blog. I know many of you reach out to me in private as you struggle with the same issues, I see you, we all see you, and we all love you and all the babies you birthed to heaven. 

I also wanted to say, I mentioned this in Esme's post, but I am SO THRILLED for all the babies born in the last year of all my loved ones. I CELEBRATE with you of your new chapter, the joys of you becoming a Mother. My friends and family are so sweet considering my feelings when they announce a birth, but all I am thinking about is how much I am going to love your baby and how HAPPY I am for you to become a Mom. I can miss our Esme, our Cruz, and still celebrate the #(*$ out of your news! Please keep the baby announcements rolling over to me, it's the highlight of this pandemic for me!

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After permission from the blogger, I am posting some posts of fertility struggles or miscarriages that I hope you can resonate with as well and their different ways of coping. 3 women I respect and admire. This is just a few of the dozens of women I know that share this experience and ways they've coped.

My cousin's miscarriage(s) and her narrative can be found on: An American Girl in Canada 

My friend and her husband's infertility struggles can be found on: Bethsaida Productions

I mentioned in my last post of Back to the Basics, as of April 30, I let my Coaching license expire after 14 years because there were some big announcements on the way.

I am SO proud of Aaron - he is going back to school! He has enrolled in an Associates program at a nearby Community College. 

Now, this decision wasn't easy, and I hope this encourages others who are in similar situations.

As mentioned times before, Aaron and I met in 2018, bought a car together in 2019 only after 2 weeks of dating. We then had his brothers here for a year each almost. I converted to Catholicism. I had an ectopic pregnancy. We got married, twice, during a pandemic. We both got job promotions. Then, came 2021. 

Aaron was working 2 jobs, I was working my full time job, plus Coaching, and another business we shared, plus opening the Scholarship and Podcast. 

We had a series of health events in March, I won't get into that yet, but something just had to give. Sound familiar for you too? Aaron ended up quitting his 2nd job for many reasons, but ultimately this made him stop and really evaluate what's next for him.

Although I went to College and Graduate School. I do NOT believe you need a further education to make something of your life. I don't think it's someone's self-worth. I also don't think EVERY person should/needs to go. Honestly, if I could do what I'm doing and didn't need the education to back it up, I don't think I'd have gone to school. To my education folks, I know that sounds disappointing and to my folks that have never taken that path, that may surprise you to read this. I have student loans and that really has impacted where I go next in life. Trust me, I believe that the world can serve as our educational skills, but the bottom line is that schooling can open up additional doors, not better than someone else's door, but additional ones, and that is where people get confused. A degree doesn't always mean better (time, finances, prestige, passions, etc), it SOMETIMES just means additional...OPTIONS!

After some time, he had been thinking of it for awhile, but he decided he wanted to go back to school for a degree that needs more people. It's a profession that once boomers leave, there will be few replacements.

There is never going to be a convenient time to start a dream. We are just coming off a wild, roller coaster-y 2+ years, those who have been beside us know. Going back to school was the last thing we were thinking about until we realize if not now, when?

It's scary. We went from making the most income we've ever had to me quitting my Coaching business (prior to us even knowing what was going to happen 2 weeks later) which brought in gas money, groceries, and plane tickets home. Aaron quitting his other job, which supported our monthly bills, and then deciding to enroll in school. Living like we are students again in my early 30s wasn't something I was exactly praying for, but I also know it's possible, and worth it for Aaron to expand his options and educational aptitude. 

Because there will never be a perfect time. We will never have "enough money". There are SO many factors that if we always waited for the right time, we would never move forward.

No matter how chaotic your life is, believe it or not, you can choose at what level the chaos impacts you. No matter how inconvenient life is, at what point will change really be convenient? Very few times. 

I say this without kids. I can't talk as if I'm a parent and how this would influence our decision, but I am speaking from a space of married without kids, that if you are privileged enough to make this happen, because I know this is not everyone's circumstance, you are going to wish you had taken risks as life passes you by.

Aaron has always been extremely supportive of my career choice. One that is unpredictable, FUN, wild, on call, and can change by the minute. It's my time to be supportive of his career choice and although I can't say I can help him on his Math homework, I can am excited to cheer him on this new chapter of his life!

 Relationships with Reyes, our Podcast highlights all types of relationships. We also think the relationship we have with the communities we live in is important. That is why our Podcast is giving a $1,000+ scholarship to a role model who is 16+, who gives back to their community! Our deadline to apply is April 1, 2021. Please visit http://www.relationshipswithreyes.com to apply and learn more about our scholarship. We are also accepting donations via Venmo @ReyesScholarship until May 13!

 Throughout the pandemic, I know I am not the only one to feel helpless. The fixers? We want to fix everything. You're sad? We want you to be happy. You're surviving? We want you to thrive. 

Cliche, but this statement has never been wrong: Some times there are things we can't fix, but as a collective group, we can make an impact.

During the pandemic, I told my husband I wanted to bring a dream out from hibernation that I had been thinking about since 2018 - I wanted to start a Podcast with guests to talk about all different dynamics of relationships. Him being my tech guy, bought me a microphone at Christmas and he asks every week, "When is the next episode?". We have 18 planned episodes for Season 1 with 2 already having been posted for 2021. You can subscribe to us on ANCHOR or search us on Spotify - Relationships with Reyes.

Another component we wanted to provide was a modest Scholarship (Cash Award) to someone who is a role model in their community. 

We aren't rich. We live okay. We struggle just like many. But we know that any amount we were comfortable with could make someone's day - fund an event they are passionate about, pay a bill, and whatever it was, we just wanted to recognize someone who made an impact in their community. Because our communities need some love and people need some love.

We aren't selecting a winner, we have a team of volunteers and a selection committee to do that for us - More on that later. We want to remain not bias and truly have people from all over the USA choose the recipient, we are just here to supply the microphone to amplify this!

Throughout the the last week, I reached out to family and friends to donate, and it brought the total up to almost double! Heart feels overwhelmed. I do so many projects, but I'd have to say this one takes the Gold. When you get married, you likely have already found things that you as a couple enjoy doing together. Luckily, one of those things for my husband and I is serving others. We get so much joy of feeding people, loving people, and enjoying who they are. 

But I love what a small group of people can accomplish. I love waking up feeling like we got this. It's the kind of generosity I needed to hear and see after a year of...a divisive election, peoples rights threatened, humanity I'd say at an all time low of empathy. So, thank you to those who have already contributed!

If you connected with these sentiments, please check us out at http://www.relationshipswithreyes.com. Please share the link and our flyer below. 

If you would like to contribute monetarily, you can venmo us at @reyesscholarship. After, if you can email us at relationshipswithreyes@gmail.com with a photo and what you're passionate about, we would love to feature you on our website donor's section.

If you are a program that aligns with our mission - We would love to list you as an affiliate and email our applicants your information during the waiting process to hear back from results. 

Woooeyyy, this has been sitting in my drafts since late October:

TRAVELING. 

I miss seeing and feeling NEW. New foods. Music. People. Clothing. Architecture. Undiscovered parts of history I was unaware of. All of it. I miss traveling and learning and taking in all the sights, smells, and being in awe of a new place.

I think most of us can collectively agree we miss being able to go somewhere without restrictions. 

Aguascalientes wasn't new to Aaron, but for me? I've only been to Tijuana, Nogales, & Mexico City. Looking through photos, I already loved all the architecture in the capitol city - Romantic and colonial. But seeing it in real life...Breath taking. The city is so clean, the people are SO friendly, and yes the food was so good, but the juice drinks!? I just drooled. I think I ordered a Mango juice every day.

During the Wedding week, my 2 cousins flew down early. We grew up taking trips every 2-3 years (We are all 1-1.5 years apart in age) and this year, it would have been 3 years since our trip in San Francisco. We were in High School at the same time and in the same school. We lived in a small town, so we had to be very creative in what we did. We've fought, we've always made up, and we would absolutely fight anyone that tried to mess with one of us. Whether we were 8 or 28, it still holds true - They're the closest thing to sisters I had/have.

Normally...We are known for breaking bones, needing surgery, or getting concussions when we are together. Not sure why, but we are so "blessed" with being so clumsy! I am happy to report, NO BROKEN BONES, sickness, or emergency trips this time around! I also loved the private time they got with Aaron and also so we could just enjoy the city without having to think of Wedding things this particular day. 

Our first stop was Templo de San Marcos, the Church we would be married in later that week. This was my first time seeing the Church NOT at night actually. 

When you stepped inside, you actually felt like you were transported back in time. The physical Church was built from 1655-1765! You couldn't help but be engulfed in the tall arched ceilings, intricate murals, and the majesty of God's presence.

We walked our way down the main streets towards the city plaza area. We could smell fresh churros being made and coffee being poured. A smell we followed was a bakery - You couldn't miss it, we got there to grab some freshly baked items and to order some loaves of bread for the Ofrendas during the Ceremony at the Church for the Priest. Since we were there in early October, they were also already serving pan de muerto for Dia de Los Muertos in late October and early November - where many LatinX countries honor their loved ones who have passed. Along the way my cousin Kailey got her coffee beans, Kelle got some pastries, and Aaron got his Coconut water. All the vendors along the way were probably one of the highlights of the city. We loved supporting and indulging in all the family owned vendors.