Cruz Reyes

Friday, August 27, 2021

**Trigger warning: Swearing and talks of miscarriages. Please stop reading here if either will offend you.

Most of my closest friends know I'm a journal nerd. I love writing, sharing my narrative with my notebook and some times here on this blog. As I've been married, blogging publicly isn't something I do as often, I have another person to consider.

But each time I went to write about Cruz I just had no energy. Unlike with Esme, writing is what got me through that experience, but with Cruz, I didn't really want to talk to anyone, write anything, or mention shit to nobody because it was too painful. The only way I could talk about Cruz was matter of fact because some folks just don't really understand what a miscarriage is or that yes, as women we have to go out into our regular worlds and "soldier" on pretending like we aren't bleeding out, having seismic pain in our physical bodies or hearts as we carry on tasks that seem pretty meaningless in that moment.

I also had no idea how difficult it was to get pregnant. I had never heard of fertility concerns growing up. All I ever heard was you have sex, you get pregnant. Decades later, so many of us wanting to be Mothers and fertility not giving a damn. Most of my friends I know went through IUI or IVF. Very few friends got pregnant naturally after 28 from my knowledge, and I had no idea that this was even a world that existed until the last few years.

Truthfully, we weren't expecting Esme, but we were hoping for Cruz. This love story is short lived on earth, but it is still a love story I want to share.

Back in March, I was super nauseous, smells made me sick, I was constipated (TMI), couldn't stop running to the bathroom, and when Aaron's family came to visit...I felt like I was going to pass out every morning. My period was a week late, but I didn't want to get too excited.

Once we settled back in, I took the test...and to much of my surprise it said PREGNANT. I had never seen those words on any of our First Response or the Digital Blue responses [other than false ones with ectopics]. So, I started bawling and Aaron and I just sat there....We've been waiting for this for so long, to feel like we were in grasp of having our dreams come true, we were disbelief, I mean, we were FINALLY pregnant!

I was paranoid, re-took the test and got 2 negatives...I immediately scheduled a Doctor's appointment and my numbers were not where they projected them to be...and 2 appointments later my numbers that should have been doubling, were coming back down to the 400-500 range. I was notified that I was for sure having a miscarriage. Originally thinking I was 7 weeks along, but learned it was actually 11 weeks old. I was 1 week short of my completing my 1st trimester. 

All I could think of was,"did my body fail me" "what am I doing wrong" "am I not meant to be a Mother" ... It's devastating, these thoughts are much harder to forgive than any thoughts I've ever had about myself. Anyone that's lost a baby no matter at what stage, if you were hoping/planning for one, it's devastating, and no matter how many positive things people try to say, I personally didn't want to hear "It wasn't meant to be" - Well THANK YOU you REALLY made a point there...insert eye roll..

I mean, to actually FEEL pregnant, seeing PREGNANT on the test and seeing my numbers reach "pregnancy" TCG level...To know I was carrying Cruz with me when we were in SoCal in February when we went to visit Aaron's family. To think I was carrying Cruz during my birthday as Aaron and I were throwing axes, and Cherie and I were eating pizza at our favorite place in Redmond. It left me pretty hopeless, I'm not sure I crawled out of bed that week, but it's still a love story I cherish even if we can't live it out the rest of our days on earth.

I turned 32 in March. I always thought like many people my life would look different. For me, I thought I'd be a Mom by 32. I thought I'd be a Mom to a Kindergartener at this point and that's ok it didn't happen in that order, my life has turned out better than I ever expected. But it doesn't change the fact that in my heart, I very much yearn to be a Mom.

I know our baby is in a better space. I'm sure Esme, my many nieces/nephews of my cousins, sister in law and friends are all with Cruz. I know my grandparents are playing with our babies. I know wherever they are, they're in a more peaceful place, and I'm not an earthly parent, but to know our baby is protected for life is a calming feeling.

Momma's to be, Momma's who are still trying, Momma's who want more babies, Momma's who have angel babies....Your story is important...I hope you share. Getting me through these really dark and awful spaces were your stories. You sharing your beautiful names of your angel babies. Your texts. Your voice texts. Sending me videos of puppies. Telling me how you got through it. Letting me know that my body is capable of incredible things and claiming earthly motherhood into my life - I love you, and I hope that you share your story. I know it's certainly why this entry left my physical journal and onto my blog. I know many of you reach out to me in private as you struggle with the same issues, I see you, we all see you, and we all love you and all the babies you birthed to heaven. 

I also wanted to say, I mentioned this in Esme's post, but I am SO THRILLED for all the babies born in the last year of all my loved ones. I CELEBRATE with you of your new chapter, the joys of you becoming a Mother. My friends and family are so sweet considering my feelings when they announce a birth, but all I am thinking about is how much I am going to love your baby and how HAPPY I am for you to become a Mom. I can miss our Esme, our Cruz, and still celebrate the #(*$ out of your news! Please keep the baby announcements rolling over to me, it's the highlight of this pandemic for me!


After permission from the blogger, I am posting some posts of fertility struggles or miscarriages that I hope you can resonate with as well and their different ways of coping. 3 women I respect and admire. This is just a few of the dozens of women I know that share this experience and ways they've coped.

My cousin's miscarriage(s) and her narrative can be found on: An American Girl in Canada 

My friend and her husband's infertility struggles can be found on: Bethsaida Productions

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