I am no expert.

I have not taken this advice myself in the dating phase.

I also do not believe having a spouse or significant other, means that I know it all about dating or relationships.

But it does give me some experience. I met with my 500th client this last month. 

Under the disguise of a Cover Letter. But this person was motivated by a relationship.

In this episode, I dig into the new year, and it is a great excuse to form new dating habits.

Do these lines may sound familiar?

I have said these statements before. I’ve also heard them on repeat from other areas of life.

Speaking for myself, I used to date emotionally unavailable men because that meant I didn’t need to change anything about myself. They didn’t require any type of upkeep or investment, which meant I could live my own life on my own terms still without compromise. In return, I'd say, "See there aren’t any good men out there, I always attract jerks".

AND...In hindsight...I believe that for the first time, maybe the second, but when it became a pattern...I really had to look inside myself and see the common denominator was me…And that really hurt. Because in my mind, I think I have my ish together...and that was part of the problem. 

In reality, I was letting people push over my boundaries. I was settling for less. I thought I didn’t deserve better. It all had to do with self esteem and my own issues, and I wasn’t ready to deal with them. So it was easier to date a pattern - emotionally unavailable men...aka the jerks!

I can’t say there was an exact moment, but all I knew is that I was tired. Tired of feeling unloved, but not necessarily by others, more like tired of not feeling love for myself. Not giving myself enough respect to date men who I knew could meet my expectations and could reciprocate the type of emotional availability that I know I wanted, but wasn’t ready to meet yet.

I remember then in 2017...I decided that I was going to actually take advice that I so easily preached to my friends. I was going to try and pick better. 

But how the heck do I pick better? I mean if I am notorious for choosing guys who didn’t want to settle down, wanted to party their way through the silicon valley, and didn’t want the same things as me. 

I knew I needed to heal. And deep down, you probably know you need to heal too. Or in hindsight the switch of non healthy you to healthy you...Meant there was some healing taking place.

Not every person has this privilege of health care. But for me, I did take advantage of going to Therapy. I needed to dig into my childhood, my adoption, my almost engagement - Yes was almost engaged at 25, and why I don’t attach to people so quickly. My average time of becoming best friends with someone is 3-6 years...That's a really long time.

Turns out my love life had nothing to do with the guys I was dating. OK maybe a little, but it had to do with the repair work of myself. In my friendships and in my career, I always attracted people who were quality, so why would I not apply that same concept to my love life. A friend said, “You wouldn't accept this behavior from your friends, why do you accept this behavior from someone you are dating”.

So, my therapist said, I should list out my 3 non-negotiables. She told me just to write out a generic list. This made me feel like I was 12 again at Church Camp, and I’d write things like he needs to love Jesus, Basketball, and Kayaking. But with a little more at stake, I did take this list seriously.

I wrote my list down. She said, OK. Now I want you to ask your closest friends/family that can give you some insight. She cautioned me to not hang on their every word because my love life doesn’t need to be decided by committee. But she did say, I would see themes. Sure enough I did. She had me pull the most common themes and compare them to my list. 

And by my surprise, my top 5 on my list, 3 of those 5, my family and friends chose for me as well, without even seeing my list. My 3 non-negotiables included they had to love God, want marriage/kids, and that they had to have their own life meaning, I couldn’t be their Universe - They needed to bring something to the relationship like interests, hobbies, friends...Things that kept their individuality in our union of being “of one” in the spiritual sense.

Now, having this list doesn’t mean your love life is automatically going to improve, but what I started to do was apply little by little. And sure enough, even if they weren’t my forever, I started dating better. I started picking people that at least aligned with my entire list or some of my list. I finally started to BELIEVE people when they gave me the RED flags of being emotionally unavailable….People who are not emotionally available say things like, “The timing isn't right”...”I don't know what I want”....”Im so successful at work, Im a catch”...”Im older so I know what I want”...Words are cheap, actions are everything. 

It doesn’t matter what job they have or what their age is...They can be emotionally unavailable at 40 as they can at 20...and the older they are, and the “quote better job” they MIGHT have...They can still be a jerk, they may just have nicer clothes. Other red flags of emotional unavailable people make you feel like you are an option and you are not a priority. They take energy from you, but don't give it back.

Because emotionally available, empathetic people TELL you how they feel about you. They don’t give you broad answers, they are specific. Emotional availability doesn't mean someone is ready to commit, it just means they have enough humanity to not keep you guessing. You feel safe because they are HONEST….Even if you may not like what they have to say...Or even if you feel rejected. Honesty is the best policy, besides telling your 5 year old cousin Santa isn't real, usually though, it is a timeless policy.

I recognize there are so many quality people out there that ARE healed and still have not met the right person or still do not enjoy dating. I am sorry you have not had a positive experience or found someone for you - Because not every person is broken that is listening.

But if you fall under the category that I have been in, and the 500 clients I have coached in the last 4 years...I hope your new year, means new dating habits.