You're invited

Thursday, September 14, 2017

I used to go on adventures by myself. But then I got assaulted and I barely would go to Target by myself.

I’ve come a long ways in 3 years. I used to pride myself on being able be my own best company. I’d invite myself to adventures. Waited for no one. Never wished my life away. Lately, I don’t even remember the last time I did something alone or was alone. I don’t remember the last time I invited myself to be my own best company.

So, on Saturday, I woke up, and invited myself on a road trip north. No destination. No time limit. Drove until I found something interesting to look at.

I drove north on Pacific Coast HWY 1 through the magical fog and the small coastal towns that hug California’s rugged and beautiful coastline.

I ended up stopping in Olema, CA at this little lodge near a stream with lots of outdoor chairs and logs to read and write. I spent time just listening to silence and in nature. 

I couldn’t believe it’s been 3 years since I’d taken a spontaneous self-adventure with no agenda…

Living life in the city is exciting. In October I have back to back concerts. In the last month, in August it seemed to be back to back reunions and parties. I love all the lights, the busy energy, and the eclectic people that reside in San Francisco.

But as someone who is also part country - I also need rural. I need a place that is simple, with narrow roads, gravel paths, no cell service. Nature that is limited or barely touched by any person. A place that grounds me, slows me down, and brings life and my living back to the center.

Just nature and God, which in so many ways I’ve felt are the same thing anymore.

My life although fun and liberating, has also lacked self-rituals and consistency. I’ve spent the last 1.5 years building mostly horizontal, which has been rich and full of exploring, but I haven’t spent much time building vertically.

So, stay tuned, you’re definitely invited. 

Photos from my time in Olema, CA:

This is not a phase

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Oakland's First Fridays Unity Wall
Note: This is not my view on the Church I attend, my Pastor, or the select people I've connected with on a real level. This is solely part of my journey of Christ, church, and my sense of belonging...and this post has been sitting in my inbox for almost 2 years.

10 years ago I sat in my parents living room and told them that I would respect their wishes to attend church until I was 18, then I wanted to seek my own relationship with God and explore my spiritual life.

You must know, as a Midwesterner who grew up in the Heartland, where there are more or equal amounts of churches than bars, this was not a popular sentiment.

But, I have always been a searcher...and searchers question, seek, and find. Which is exactly what I wanted to do with my faith in Christ.

Let me start off by saying, to me, God = very real to me. But this is about my struggles with how I experience and understand God and how others respond to my struggles within my spiritual life.

Organized religion, although important for so many of my loved ones who love Jesus, has always been difficult for me.

For me, I experience Christ in the small moments. While brushing my teeth saying my prayers for all the people I love. Or when I am driving in the car with a friend listening to music. Or in deep conversation about purpose, identity, and real life ish - that is when I feel closest to God.

And this is okay. This is what is so rich in my relationship with the Lord. This is what makes my spirit bright, my heart full, and my soul feel alive. But it took me a long time to get there...

Growing up I was the only public school kid while all the other kids went to the Christian church at our church. I was told that I'd likely be in prison as an adult because that is how public school kids ended up. As angry as I get from these hurtful moments, I know that God serves justice best.

In college, I was too liberal to belong to conservative church America. Apparently my belief that the church should love people in the Lesbian, Gay, BiSexual, Trans, Queer (LGBTQ+) community was too much for people to handle. I was vocal anyway, even though that value was also not popular...

And now? In adulthood, my thoughts are so different that it scares other Christians. Even though doubts, questions, and thinking shouldn't scare people...because my doubts don't invalidate someone else's belief in Christ...But unfortunately that has been my repeated experience.

Then, when I moved to California whether it be Southern, Central, or Northern, I wasn't hipster enough or I definitely didn't make enough money or have the right career to fall into the churches where I believed in their vision, their pastor, and a select group of people within those communities...but was considered not in the "cool" circle at church...

And honestly, it baffles me that in all my niches, I've always felt like I belonged to all my niches, but church?

I've never felt more like an outsider, an impostor.

And when history has a problem with repeating itself in my experiences, to me, church is a place that rewards those who fit in, even the churches that are considered not the social norm in the church world.

And if you know me, social norms aren't my thing. Endorsing systems that reward people for fitting the mold are also not my thing. If it was, I'd have a very different life.

I am not walking away from God, church, or from those who attend it, although many have walked away from me when I start to question organized religion.

And truthfully, I am accepting that is okay. Most of my friends who are Christian I never met in church anyway...

And no, this is not the case where I think there is something wrong with any church I go to, I am attending a great church and I've been to many solid churches. But I also can't deny my challenges to feel like I belong to any or one.


I am a searcher and I am a norm breaker.

This is not a phase. A decade is a long time to be in a phase.

I'm on a Mission

Sunday, November 3, 2013

The San Carlos Borromeo de Carmelo Mission that is :)

I finally had a Saturday off! I haven't had a weekend off since September. So, I was excited to start exploring my backyard once again. I googled this Mission because...

1) I'm on a budget. My good friend Rachel is visiting me next weekend and I'm saving my moolah for our San Francsico trip.
2) I dig history and architecture.
3) Anything spiritual, I'm in.

If you're in the Carmel, CA area, it is something worth checking out. It can take anywhere between 60-90 minutes to get through the whole mission. Enjoy!








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