Thoughts on being engaged...
I knew for me, committing to someone long term meant giving up some of my free time. To be able to make decisions for myself. To move, go, and be free without having to consider another person. Not that my roaming days are over, I just have more to consider.

So being engaged has caused several thoughts and feelings I wish I heard more about. Other than, "We are so excited!" "Can't wait to marry my best friend!"...I agree whole heartedly with all of these phrases, but I also wanted to post what's been in my journal for other people who maybe took a similar life journey to me - that it may also be normal to be having these thoughts and feelings.

So here it goes...

There is so much out there that tells us we aren't "complete" without a love interest. Which I find to be 100% NOT true, even with someone who I hope to love forever. At this point in my life journey, I know I'd be fine being single and I'd be fine with someone. I love A, he is my person, I don't want to do life without him, but I know I could. Because when your life is whole without someone, you know you actually want to be with them, because you don't necessarily "need" them. That if you build your life - socially, financially, professionally, personally...you have more to give to your life partner. I know that is a privileged statement, not every person has the opportunity to do so...but I am extremely grateful for my family and mentors who have sacrificed and contributed to my development in understanding the difference.

Other perks of focusing on your own life before someone enters it, is that outside opinions matter less, and these days, it seems like weddings are for everyone else except the people getting married. Having time to focus on myself first, also allowed me to experience many life milestones without someone in a positive way, but I'd say being engaged, this is the area that has affected me the most - the change of my identity. Thankfully in Mexican culture & as a bride, I actually keep my last name. So, I was really excited that I didn't even have to have that conversation with A, he already expected that my last name would stay the same.

And I didn't / don't have doubts about my fiance, but I had sadness of the thought of re shaping an identity that I have held so closely for so many years. Most of my home team would describe me as goal oriented, will do anything for my home team, and someone who pursues what I want. Not that I can't and will stop doing any of those, but bringing another person into my life re shapes how I connect to these parts of my identity. Yes, it is growth. Yes, your partner can be supportive and help you achieve and be all of these things, but it's still major change, and a change that you're doing WITH someone.

AND...what I am about to say next made me feel a little heartless, even though I am so overwhelmed with love and appreciation for my fiance. As a society, I think we over celebrate engagements / weddings....honestly...going through some life milestones solo, you know what else has been very fulfilling and life changing? Graduating, investing my time, money, and talent into people & projects, starting a business, getting out of a toxic relationship, my first job, making new friends in a city I just moved to, learning a new hobby or skill, making it through counseling....and MANY other things. So just because I am engaged and it is a major milestone, I also think we could clap a little louder for other life moments that get overlooked.

I wrote this choppily from my journal. Because unlike my fiance who is spontaneous, goes off the cuff, flows with what's next, I have a hard time not being calculated. Like let's eat at 5:35pm, laugh at 6pm, blink at 6:05pm, and let's make sure to dot all the i's, like every single one of them, like they better not look like L's. So, I wanted to take a page from my fiance's book, and be real from day 1 about this whole process.

I love A, he is one of the best thing's that's ever happened to my existence, but I also wanted to put out there that there is something worth celebrating at every mile stone...and there is also more to congratulate at every milestone.

San Francisco - Spring 2018

This morning, I looked at my half full closet and 80% occupied dresser...with much space for more stuff...but also feeling like I don't even need all the space I have. A sweet reminder of how much space I've created for the unexpected and how stuff really doesn't make me any happier.

2018 has been more than enough for me, and this is how it has shown up...

I am thriving in my own skin. I listen to my body, and I am learning to rest.

I am loving God and faith without constraints of what it should look like.

Writing. I've had so much time to write and blog, and co-blog with beloveds.

Continuing sacred's and rituals - cousin facetimes, bestie birthdays, 3rd of July reunions, pageants over Thanksgiving, 4th annual Giants game, and a yearly hello email to all my former student leaders and teams.

Co working dates, daily starbucks runs, and new happy hour spots.

Got to officiate my besties' wedding; Saw Drake in concert; Traveled to Mexico City.

Hosted 26 visitors between San Francisco and WA.

Walked through the streets of San Francisco after a rowdy rooftop bar night.

Went go carting on the gravel roads passing through my family's acres on a warm July evening.

Felt the worn out moving boxes holding my belongings that are mostly gifts and the art I feel connected to.

And with who I've become and what I've done, this is where it has left me into 2019;

I miss driving on the Bay bridge into San Francisco at night. The lights were bright enough to reflect off the water and warm enough to make me feel at home.

But the green and precipitation of the Seattle sound is enough to nourish my soul, and I know I'm blooming in a season of what feels like starting over, but really it's just a continuation.

Love really does exist.

I also learned what it meant to let go of someone you have love for because that's what that person really needs...and also hoping the absolute best for them.

I like my grey hairs and wrinkles around my eyes, and the stretch marks on my thighs. It shows a well lived body participating in the life in front of me.

My smile feels so real; My heart is a direct line to my smile.

Getting to see the fridge with my loved ones holiday cards on it - each one of them drenched in memories.

I like moons, flowers, reading books that I bought so long ago, but never had the capacity to indulge in. I love celebrating. I like cheering people on. I love all the things that make others feel good about themselves.

I'm operating this next chapter of life like an open floor plan.

My family is healthy, strong, and very happy. That's probably the highlight of this all.

Experiences over things.
Presence over presents.
Humanity over perfection.

& Turning 30 this year, and I feel like life is just getting started!

South Dakota - Summer 2018

Seattle - Winter 2018

No matter what you saw on social media...transitioning a business to a different state and retaining clientele that are willing to do virtual communication over face to face was a major loss for me in motivation and in income...Let alone re-building a network of locals I could connect with about our specialized niches - I am still going through the growing pains of this process. I also hired an advisor to help me with the transition, because well, just like the 10 free growth strategies post, I knew I couldn't do it alone.

But today, I'd like to report that today's tears were happy tears, because despite starting over, I had a reminder tonight when my last client for 2018 texted me their job offer to a respected silicon valley tech company (Zuora)! They were one of the athletes transitioning to civilian life, and I couldn't be more proud of them! I needed to be reminded that no matter how rough this transition has been in many areas of my life, one of my favorite things is celebrating other people's wins, especially ones I'm working with!

And as I am learning to share more about me and what I do, instead of giving vague, awkward statements about higher ed, my side hustle, and what not, I thought I'd do a re-cap of client celebrations in 2018!

I feel very honored, and positively overwhelmed tonight getting the opportunity to celebrate these incredible people:

*indicates volunteer/partner/sponsor role & due to client confidentiality, you may inbox me for details, but unfortunately cannot give out identity details unless given permission.

• Coached 2 side hustlers that made their side hustle come to real life
• Coached 4 athletes transitioning from D1 sports to civilian life
• Coached 1 semi pro league athlete transitioning careers; including a player rights agreement
• Coached 3 clients in career changes; consultations and resume/cover letter make overs 
• Coached 4 pageant titleholders in interview prep work (All 4 placed in top 5, including 1 divisional winner in ANTSO and 1 winner winning a full scholarship to Virginia State University)
• Advised 1 pageant titleholder transitioning into a full time career while remaining a Miss titleholder for a major system
• Recruited pageant judges for 3 MAO locals*, 2 TEEN USA state pageants, AP Nationals*, AEM Nationals*, 2 NAM state pageants, & 1 INTL Jr Miss state pageant, SUNBURST
• Advised 1 fashion designer for committee assembly & line production
• Coached 1 fashion journalist in a 2018 journalism contest - received job at TEEN Vogue
• Advised 1 non profit board about values and diversity; Hired their college ambassadors 
• Advised mayoral candidate and College President on talking points of college graduation attainment through career options in their city and state post graduation*
• Advised 1 start up CEO on talking points of K-12 to higher ed pipeline
• Advised 2 non profit board/CEOs on talking points of K-12 to higher ed pipeline
• Advisor in Seattle Fashion Week - Hiring of production staff; Selection committee of fashion designers and runway production teams 

While November started off as a total sham...Let me bullet thy ways.

• Got into a car accident, had to buy a new car, got a $1200 tow, and a parking ticket
• Grandpa died, bought last minute plane ticket to South Dakota for funeral (It was cheaper to fly to Ukraine)
• Found out a friend got cancer and then their little brother died...in the same 24 hours
• One of my best friend's dog died, who was her whole world
• I had 3 rounds of meds to get rid of my 2 month Pneumonia...to finally get better before Thanksgiving, only to now be sick again and breathing through my mouth like a Jurassic Park dinosaur...you can make fun of me, I know I am

Am I ready for November to be over? Uh yes. But with death, and well, adulthood - I can say that my life is truthful, good, and exactly where I want it be. And frankly, although November was a sham, it could have been much worse. Death has manifested itself in many forms in this transition, but it's also birthed a life I had never anticipated. A life that's been a subtly sweet surprise.

Here are some of my reflections from November, a month of death & birth:

I thought I loved X, but I loved the idea of X. I thought I loved Y, but I just had mad love for Y. I tell Z I love Z, but that love has had so few hours on earth that only time will tell if that love will last.

Unless you are my Home Team, Hustle(s), Spiritual Rhythms, & Rest, you matter, but you are not a priority in December.

This week, I finished changing all of my addresses from California to Washington. Erasing CA from my address has felt like changing my last name. Knowing the best is yet to come, but leaving a part of your identity in your past - is a sad & seems like a too soon goodbye.

I don't make a big life decision without mentors, home team, and essentially my decision making committee. But lately, I've learned that some decisions are best decided alone in a quiet room. I am my first relationship and I'll be my last relationship, best to make decisions that's best for her.

Shauna Niequist's book, Bittersweet talks about making a list of THINGS I DONT DO...and as counter intuitive as that is, it also helps me re gain insight to my priorities. But this month, I also wrote out people I don't deal with, because I refuse to do others emotional or intellectual labor, and this is separate from empathy and grace. But reality is that some people are looking for layers of me that I shed a long, long time ago. 

Finding middle ground habits I've been enjoying:


It's been nice. Nice finding some solace in Seattle.

The Castro District - San Francisco

This post is dedicated to one of my longest relationships, my 7 year love of my life, California.

I wrote a year ago about how when I moved to Southern California, I was 22, scared, cried when my parents left me - this small town girl from South Dakota. In many ways, I am still that same girl, and in about every obvious way, I have evolved into a woman I am also proud to be.

Southern California was all about re-exploring the ideas and values that I was taught, and if they really matched me. It was about Disneyland runs, receiving my Masters degree, doing all the tourist things - the beach, Santa Monica ferris wheel, wine country, big bear, dodgers/angels games, and establishing my CA pageant family. It was a beautiful life, but I ended up moving to California's Central Coast, Monterey Bay for my first job post grad school.

Monterey Bay gave me the career I needed to define the type of professional I'd be for years to come. It gave me friends who I am so lucky to be officiating their wedding next month, a home 2 miles from the beach, students who I talk with regularly, and an almost reality show gig...Monterey Bay was slow, steady, and sweet. It breathed clean air into my life that felt polluted with personal mental health, my mom's cancer, and my dad going blind. Monterey Bay brought me to almost whole and it gave me space and community that held me when everything I mentioned piled in the same year.

But, like in every story, there comes the part where you feel this is the reason the story exists.

It is so cheesy, but I now understand the song, I left my heart in San Francisco. After Monterey Bay, I was looking for a faster paced life - filled with creatives, night life, and being close to an international airport for ease of travel. So, I moved to San Francisco.

San Francisco was all about my liberation of what it meant to be a woman...and a woman of color, and the power and sacredness it holds in my dark locks and my brown sugared skin. The light and energy that pour from my dark mocha, and beautiful almond shaped eyes. I was surrounded for the first time, with like minded peers & students who were organized and I felt like the student instead of the educator for the first time in awhile.

Despite the dramatic comments from family members gossiping about how, "Liberal San Francisco is making me sin"...Still makes me laugh out loud...San Francisco also gave me a great sense of who God is, what my faith actually meant and how it was practiced. It's where I started my side business, it gave me my first live in boyfriend, the best birthday parties I've ever had, it gave me friends who I consider family, friends who know entirely too much about me. I also came out of a job with skills that prepared me to move up the ladder in my field.

San Francisco was everything I ever needed AND wanted.

I've lived in DOZENS of cities. I have made places that felt like home, but as a friend said, they thought San Francisco was etched as my forever home. And all of these experiences have now spit me into the sound of the Seattle area. 

Seattle has been the easiest transition I have ever had, but when people ask if I miss San Francisco...You have to understand, I am the only blood relative I know, so finding home has been a life journey, and so I am going to respond as if I am recovering from a heart break.

This is a good life, even though I left my heart in San Francisco, I think rooting my dreams to bloom in Seattle is also going to be its own adventure and love of my life in its own time.